transfascination

off to London over the summer; new job, new life.
Great stuff!
What a hellish year.

Life has been ticking along.... tick..tock..tick..tock..tick..tock...
Plenty of relative anxiety and joy regarding study, work and home life.
The key seems to be never to be unduly ecstatic or depressed.
Good luck to all of you out there who ARE having to deal with more than the usual humdrum.
Give me the strength to appreciate what I've got.
Let me strive to not piss anyone off tomorrow; it's too late for today.

I did the green thing today
http://www.dothegreenthing.com
It's a fun way of reminding yourself that little things add up to big things, that there is such a thing as people power and that being green is not only common sense but also fun and healthy.
Yay
I'm going to collect my little one now, on foot!
Yay

autobiographical piece by Jose Tavares 2007 http://www.far103josetavares.blogspot.com/
Translated by Lauren Pearce

We jumped the wall only after being sure nobody was looking out of the many windows watching us and ran as fast as we could trying to remember the way back. We remembered the bridge, so we crossed it.
“Run Mouse, run faster,” said Brito. So I did. For miles we ran and ran and so did my heart, which soon felt like it was jumping out of my chest.

And to think that I had been anxious to come here at first. I was so anxious that day that I was on my best behaviour in case they changed their minds. Was it on a Saturday? Well, it doesn’t matter, I do know it was just three days before my birthday, and I was going to live in a new place, where I was promised there would be a big swimming pool and a bicycle waiting for me.
The plump blue-eyed man, stroked our heads, as you do with little lads, and with a brilliant white smile confirmed the delivery;
"Are these the ones?"
"Yeah, these are the ones."
"They look like good boys", and giving us an intimate wink he asked, "Are you good boys?" Of course the only answer we could give, was the one we’d always given to that difficult question, we shrugged our shoulders, gave tight smiles and looked at the floor.

"And now what?", said Brito, "I don’t remember having seen this crossroads when we came…we’re lost!"
We were lost.
An old lady, head to toe in black with a scarf around her head, was seated on a rock by the side of the road, her walking stick leaning against the wall and looking as if she had nothing more to do than watch the world go by.
I was sure she'd know: "Excuse me Senhora, can you tell us the way to Porto?"
She stood there looking at us, saying nothing at first then exclaimed tenderly, "Oh! but Sonny, Porto is very far you know? Are you walking? Are you alone? Where are your parents?"
Too many questions, we didn’t like it and backed off.
We decided the way should be ahead.
We kept looking back every minute, every five minutes and then every ten minutes. My legs weren’t mine anymore and Brito, he seemed to be fine, although his face was like a tomato.
"Do you think we’re going the right way, Mouse?"
"I don’t know, I wasn’t paying attention when they brought us!"

When they brought us it was early in the morning. It wasn’t raining, but still everything was wet and we could feel the freshness in the air. Through the van window, the sun, which could barely be seen, caressed our faces and we observd its glow through closed eyes. I stayed like that almost all the journey, in that place where the mind refuses to awake although is not asleep. Brito came with me on the same day. A little bit taller and older than me, he came from a family of poor fishermen, which they weren’t anymore. They were now performers from a circus which had been parked at the same place for ages, clinging on to life like a fish out of water, waiting for that last gulp of air. Later on, on another occasion I saw where Brito lived; nearby in a jumble of rusty tin, between the rubbish dump and the old canning factory, looking out to sea. A place where even the good people were thieves and the thieves were robbed themselves, but Brito was a good boy. The journey wasn’t too long, less than an hour perhaps.
In the distance we could see the sea now, invading the river, and a bit closer the seagulls were dancing around the leftovers of the early fish market.
"That is your new hotel" said the man pointing ahead.
"Wow!…"And we gave a second long 'Wow' such was our surprise. Enormous. Majestic. Beautiful. It dominated all the landscape. One part of it, I later learned, was from the times when there were knights on horses with swords and the another was from time of the Romans. This was made up of lots of archways stuck together which extended for miles. "What a strange bridge," said Brito. Later on someone told me the arches were called an aqueduct and our 'hotel' was an old monastery.
The lame man, who had been the doorman there for thirty years, came immediately and with an obsequious smile opened the door for us. The door? No, no! The gateway was built for a giant, the door an arms' length thick, painted green. On the walls of the entrance hall, an old stone room, there were great 'photographs' of people who stared severely down at us, did they want to tell us something? We took a few steps, glimpsing endless marble corridors which seemed to radiate their own light and invited us to run and slide along them, and were ushered up the great stone staircase to the office where they made us wait an eternity. In there, as in the thirteenth century church that belonged to the school, only the bravest flies dared to break the silence.
Then down to the looming hall where suddenly thousands of voices exploded at once: yelling, squealing, snorting, laughing, singing even, everything it seemed but talking. Big wicker baskets appeared and quince sandwiches were devoured. This scene was soon to be part of ur daily lives, every morning when the bell rang. In my old school there had been around one hundred boys, in this one there were too many to count.
Over the next two days I tried to find the swimming pool, (the truth is the place was so large I could have easily missed it) but when they told me, having a laugh at my expense, that they weren’t any bicycles, I struggled to hold back my tears. It was then that I realized that if I wanted to swim I would have to go back to the river, the river in my home city.
I liked the football field though, and … yeah, I know they made me a birthday cake and everything, but I didn’t like the way they talked to us … among other things.

Brito was still looking back, from time to time, I had given up. Suddenly he was gulping "Look! Look! Look!" He couldn’t get the words out. "It’s that guy…that guy…." I looked back and my legs started to shake. Dodging the cars that sped past we crossed the road into the woods. They were coming after us, eight of them in an orange van. They had been parked, waiting for us on a side road, knowing which was we'd come. I started to pray. A trick I'd only just learned.
Brito threw himself into a dark, three metre high mountain of brambles like a professional diver. I hid behind a tree, there’s no point in running if your legs don’t follow you.
"Come on. Get out of there. I can see you Brito. Look lad, you’re just there, I’m pointing at you."
There was no way he could see him. The brambles were dark as a cave, the thorns were a centimeter long and they wouldn’t dare go in after him.
"Come on. Get out of there Brito. I can see you, don’t make things difficult."
Brito came out, the fool, looking like Christ.

I wish that tree could have done more for me.

We paid dearly for our daring. Then, a couple of months later, we did it again.

My talented cousin and her group are going from strength to strength. Check out
http://www.myspace.com/thejoyformidable
Livened up my morning's work no end.
Planning research focus for PGCE assignments. First day my daughter's back at school after Christmas. Wow, it's quiet. Needed a bit of something to jolt me out of my holiday stupor and stop me finishing off the Christmas biscuits.

The week before Christmas I was in a book shop my eye fell on a truly lovely cover design. Reading the blurb I was fascinated. I pointed out the book to my beloved, hamming up a pointed reference to the potential Christmas present. "If you WERE going to get me a present, if you THOUGHT a BOOK a good idea, THIS might just BE THE ONE.."
Christmas day morning, wrapping paper strewn about, daughter going nuts with excitement, I am duly presented with a book-shaped offering. Brilliant. Quickly rip and unfold to reveal... a completely different book.
"Erm..that's nice, why this one?"
"That's the one you..."
"No...it's not"
"But, I've seen that cover before"
"Yes, you have, because it's over there on the shelf. I read it last month, didn't like it much to be honest"
"Oh."
...
Much enjoyment was had over Christmas mulling over with my mother and sister the extent of the ineptitude of men.

First shopping day after Christmas I am in the bookshop again, will I find it?

I did and how happy I am. I will be reading it again soon to reach a more considered literary analysis (not something I generally have the patience for) but I will say that a more exciting, thoughtful and innovative book I have not read in a long time. I would recommend it anyone at all...and if you don't like it, you're daft.

...is what's going on all over the blogosphere. That's normal I guess, but a bit dull. Myself,I hoping I'll be able to follow through on just one of my as yet shapeless projects. Life passing by so fast. Would be shame to waste it. What do I do with my time? I need to re-apply for MA funding. Thinking of a study of censorship in 1950s Spain using the comparison between two novels by Ana Maria Matute, one rejected one accepted by censors. Probably won't get the funding, but at least the proposal will be something I'm interested in. If there's any one out there who gets what I'm talking about it would be nice to hear from you...
Meanwhile I have to talk myself into producing and creating rather than watching films and reading sci-fi.

Occasionally, when we’ve argued, or when you’ve done something especially tender, I suddenly remember who you are. This day to day life of earning and spending, eating and shitting, cleaning and messing things up again, distracts me from the wonder of you. The wonder of you being there at that time and in that place just as I was. The amazing fact that you came back looking for me the next day. The miracle that you’re still here with me now. When I remember that it brings back another strange night several years ago when all the trials and troubles that probably should have stopped us from meeting, stopped from you being there with an open mind ready to love me, stopped me from seeing the pure gold you’re made of, came pouring out of you in an uncontrollable hideous torrent. You sobbed, for longer than I have ever known anyone cry. You sobbed for hours, in the dark, on a mattress, in my arms. I felt like I held such a fragile thing, as if it had fallen to me to keep safe some celestial being, or a crystallized fragment of starlight that had traveled through galaxies and through the darkest, coldest reaches of space and fallen quite by chance at my feet one balmy night in outside a Spanish nightclub. I scooped you and hid you inside my jacket, determined then and there to keep you safe for as long as you’d let me.
But I forget so often. I forget and we argue about keeping cupboards tidy (I don’t) and washing up (ditto, if I can get away with it) and what did you mean when you said that? (Usually, you meant nothing except what you said) So, we argue, you grumble and I get snide and sharp and spiky. Silly. How can you argue about the washing-up with starlight?

I have caught yet ANOTHER cold in space of a month and a half. Have not gone into college today and I'm sitting up in bed now trying to plan a Spanish lesson for this evening which I'm going to drag myself to because it's the last one and all the students are bringing Spanish food to celebrate a successful ten week beginners course. It's been great fun and the students are brilliant, but I'm not looking forward to standing there for two hours with a snotty nose trying to be enthusiastic.
Note to self: Eat more fruit (Erm, eat fruit would be more like it...)

This was written by my partner, Jose Tavares http://www.far103josetavares.blogspot.com
and I have translated it into English.

Ten bread rolls

During the night ten bread rolls had mysteriously disappeared. It was ten in the morning, everyone was still sleeping and he had to go for bread, yet again.

By the water butts the women shrieked gossip back and forth as they beat the crap out of the washing. The sun was shining but a great mass of black clouds could be seen approaching from the sea.

Lighting a cigarette he starts his ascent. A minute or two later he looks back down the steps. The final ramp was so steep it had left him almost out of breath. He stops and takes a few drags of his cigarette before emerging between two cracked stone buildings and crossing the square.

It begins to rain, lightly at first and then in great torrents.
People run for cover, all except the policeman who, being on duty, has to just stay there.

Still out breath he passes a familiar face:
“How’ya doin’ Nelo?”
Nelo responds with a brief nod and begins to count aloud to himself “One…two…” then suddenly remembers where he is at, catches his eye again and lifted two fingers to his mouth in a recognisable gesture, as habitual as his presence on the stone bench outside the public showers:
“You got a ciggy?”
…
“It’s nippy out, isn’t it?”
Adds Nelo as he waits, not wanting to seem interested purely in the cigarette.
“Yeah, it is a bit, maybe you feel it more for being sat there all the time.”
Clocking the blue fag packet as it’s pulled out of a ripped jeans pocket he asks for another “for later”.
Nelo was a stone mason, and was said to be a good one at that. The problem, as he himself proudly proclaimed, was that he just wasn’t born for working.

That week things were looking really bad.
“We’ve got to get work” Someone said.
“Doing what?” Retorted another.
“On the ‘sites, seems like they need people on the new bridge.”
“Hah! Yeah, yeah! You sick in the head?” The chorus of disapproval was deafening.
“The sun’s got to him!” Commented one.
The sun was in fact beating down hard on them all, but as it would soon be gone, they stayed there a little longer, eyes closed, enjoying the heat on their faces in silence for a while, with those words echoing round their heads. “We’ve got to get work. We’ve got to get work. We’ve got to get work.” As if by thinking it they’d somehow convince themselves.
They waited. For what? A reaction, perhaps. Their next course of action would be decided by whoever spoke next and what was said. This topic arose often and when it did it was either a joke or was treated as such and they soon drifted away from it.
There was a tension in the air, what would come of it?
“Tomorrow morning I’m gonna get up early and go over to that bridge.” declared his uncle Zacarias courageously.
Zacarias was the oldest and step-father to the other three. No one said a word, they waited for the usual laughter, but it didn’t come and they couldn’t hide their surprise. Silence. From one moment to the next silence was followed by more silence, a different silence. Conformism or perhaps unease.
“I’ll come with you.” Said Manel, “But you’ll have to wake me up.”
“I’m not waking anybody up!” retorted Zacarias. “If anyone wants to come, come, but don’t go asking me for stuff later if you don’t!”
They glanced at each other.
“I’ll come too” came another resignation
“Me too.” He added.

“So, are you all going then?” Zeza, Zacarias’s wife and mother to the other three, had been listening all the time.
“Should I make extra food for your lunchboxes?" She asked, corners of her mouth twitching, “I’ll be not making it for nothing I hope, I’m not your servant you know!” She retorted, pretending to be severe, fighting back her smile.
“Make it. We’re going.”
“You’re really going?”
“We’re going Maria, make lunches up for all of us.”

They had made a difficult decision and were all agreed, but deep in the back of their minds there was still the hope that one of them would pull out, providing the perfect excuse for no one to go at all. They even seemed to feel better, of course, that could have just been the effect of the smell of chicken and pasta cooking that came from indoors.
Maria José had gone down to Sr Joaquim’s grocery shop to ask for credit as up at Sr Manuel's the tab was right off the paper and he now only gave credit to customers who were more than eighty years old and who came accompanied by both parents, at least, that’s what it said on a hand painted tile fixed above the counter.
Conversations like the one today cheered Maria up. They made her feel like a real house-wife, gave a little bit of meaning to her existence, gave her back her kingdom. So many layabout men underfoot all day, stinking of feet and scratching their stomachs,it got her down.
Stomachs were rumbling now. Then they all stretched one after another, like it was something contagious or a practised choreography, and they went inside. As for the lunch boxes, that was just a question of adding more pasta to the pot.

Maria was up the next morning before the sun rose, something that was definitely out of the ordinary, she even had a piece of fruit for each of them, and as there weren’t enough bags to go round she put them all into a fashion sports bag which had been kicking around the house for some time without serving any purpose.

The site was enormous and was split between various construction companies and there were hundreds of workers, most of which were from outside the city or even abroad. The men moved from one place to another in a constant frenzy of activity. They carried stones and planks, built scaffolding, and took scaffolding down. Some cut the materials, others welded them. Some tried to erect the great steel skeleton as carpenters drove thousands of nails into enormous boards to form the gigantic wooden mould which trucks would later fill with tonnes of cement. They were like ants crawling over a child’s sandpit.
There were four kinds of workers: the supervisors who went from one side to the other from time to time holding a piece of paper and wearing a hard-hat, trying to look like they were in charge of people; the master craftsmen, who worked unhurriedly because that was the advantage of reaching the level of master craftsman; the assistants who, wanting to reach the level of master craftsman, worked enthusiastically, to the envy of others who didn’t dare do the same; finally, the ‘specialists’, a vague category who only worked when the ‘supervisors’ and ‘master craftsmen’ were around and in the meantime found time to sink a few beers and exchange stories of that cousin’s 'fine looking'wife who was charmed into bed by some slick Don Juan carpenter.

They’d been on the site for three days before they discovered that Nelo was up there too, putting the kerbs stones on the pavements which required the precision stone work he was good at.

“Hey, Nelo! You here too?”
“Oh man, you know… What’s a guy to do?”
“When did you get here?”
“Oh, I bin here ‘bout a fortnight.”
“Oh yeah? I didn’t know. You’re a bit thin man, you sick?”
“Me? No. As far as I know.”

Nelo had thickened fingers and big rough hands where the natural creases merged with the crevasses left there by life.

Three days. Ah! Three days and they were holding up well. Their aim, although no one had said it, was to last a week, less than that and they’d wait ages to get paid. Three days was already halfway there. From time to time they’d ask each other, ‘How much have we earned so far?’ and stop to do calculations. Of course, it was so little for so much sacrifice that it was better to think about the whole week as if it had already been earned, that was much more motivating. Extra hours were paid at one and half times or sometimes double the usual rate, if only they could just work extra hours, they thought.
Someone told them about some guys who’d left after a weeek and then when they went to get paid had been told they’d only get it at the end of the month.
“No! No! How can that be!” Indignation took hold of them, putting colour in their cheeks and vigour in their gestures as they took up the stance of a two-bit politician.
There and then they held an emergency meeting.
“Did you hear that, man? I don’t like the sound of that…now what do we do?” chests puffed up with self-righteousness “I’m not coming tomorrow!”
“Aaaw, Maria won’t like that, she’s been spending down at the shop…”
“What do I care! D’you think I’m going to slave away here until the end of the month? You’re mad!”
“Come on, man. We’ll get to the end of the week and then we’ll come at the end of the month to get the cash.”
As time dragged on they became more and more desperate for the ending of their torture, which was occasionally eased by the chinking of coins adding up in their heads which they brandished at any one of them who showed the merest sign of giving up.
After the first week their bodies got used to it, the worst thing was always getting up in the morning, especially if it was raining.

That weekend they did nothing except stroll to the café when they found a bit of cash and spent the evening playing cards and dominoes. They enjoyed the occasional spot of praise from some neighbour or other who’d noticed the change in them, they commented on how hard the work was and spent the afternoon sat out in the sun with their feet resting on an old crate. Nelo did the same, stretched out on his bench.

The fourth weekend was jubilant, a great celebration. Not only were they freed from their miserable labour; they ate out, went shopping in the market, bought drinks for friends and even for those who weren’t friends, but also they felt they had fulfilled some kind of duty which justified the holiday atmosphere.
The following Saturday evening there was just enough money left to get a few coffees, the debts had been paid off and so they were now living on ‘tick’ once again, received by much grumbling on the part of the grocer who’d cottoned on to the fact that they weren’t going back to the bridge.

They climbed up to the café and crossed the square. Someone was asleep on Nelo’s bench.
“Must be some homeless guy who’s crashed there for night”
“Yeah, must be” was the murmured response, it was understood that any local who wanted to sleep went home to bed. The figure was all wrapped up in checked red blankets that, on closer observation, seemed in such good nick that it was a shame to be sleeping with them out in the street.

Later on, when the ads were on during the late night tv film, he and Zacarias had to go up to the café, the action was more intense when viewed through a haze of smoke. The figure was still there on the bench.
“That guy must be freezing his balls off!” hissed his uncle.
They had another coffee and glanced at each other when it came to pay, trying to hide their concern about the money which had now faded like a mirage.
“Fuck it. God’ll provide tomorrow as they say.”

There was a crowd of people making a great noise right by the door of the public showers. Further on a policeman was urging the crowd:
“Stand back, you can’t stand here, please move off.”
It was starting to rain, lightly at first, then in torrents. The people ran for shelter but the policeman had to stay where he was.
“That one’s not going anywhere” Said the lottery seller.
“What’s happened, what’s going on?”
“It’s Lina’s man” commented the fishmonger, a huge woman with hands like shovels.
“Oh! How awful!”
“Which Lina?” asked the one armed man
“The one that lives just here off the steps, with the son, Jorginho.”
“Oh! My goodness. Our Lady preserve us!”
“You know, they’ve got into this shit…”
“Can you believe, he’s been here since yesterday!”
“But I saw him just yesterday. He seemed fine!”
“This one’s not going anywhere” Repeated the lottery seller.

Nelo had had an overdose. He’d invested his salary in ‘powder’, not to sell but to support his and his wife’s addiction. He died at home and, frightened the police would find the drugs, they'd put him out there on his bench but, something his wife and friends hadn't counted on, the ambulance couldn’t take him because he was already dead. The police doctors had to come and as it was the weekend Nelo stayed there all night and all day, waiting, in the rain.
“This one’s not going anywhere” The lottery seller moved off.

Jose Tavares 2006